What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Bozho

Not as in the clown Bozo.



But as in this guy I vaguely knew named Bozho who went to my grade school and my cousin's grade school.

I kept thinking about the clown whenever I heard this guy's name, but in high school, he played football and looked decidedly tougher in his football picture. He was playing foo-ball foo-ball! Must prove masculinity! GRRR.

His smirk reminded me of the intensity captured in this Olympics Nike commercial.



Bozho would be out for your blood, motherfucker.

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Myron

Based on this little kid I knew of in grade school.

He looked this.



Now imagine that kid dressed with shorter hair, in a school uniform, a red button-up sweater with his name knitted on the left side in capitalized big alphabet letters.

Awww, that's my Myron!!!

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Brad

Loosely based on a conglomeration of Brad Pitt and Brad Miller, but mostly in reference to fromer Mavericks player Brad Davis!



That's the Brad I think about when I hear the name Brad!

Who wouldn't want a kid with a porno 'stache?

Brad was always a white person's name, the quintessential white American buckaroo's name.

I think I would get a kick out of naming my kid Brad if I married this super-ethnically diverse Indian/Brazilian/Korean/Black woman, and instead of taking the opportunity to create a new unique name reflecting my hypothetical kid's various ancestries and identities, ultimately borrify people with an Anglicized plain-ass American name like Brad.

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Amar'e

Like the NBA Suns forward Amar'e Stoudemire.





I'm a Chicago Bulls fan, I used to frequent message boards, and one of the funnier message board posters called him the "big stupid guy who isn't afraid to start a fire in the hole and lead a charge [that we need on this team]"

Hell yeah.

Definitely in the consideration if he moves to Chicago.

Amar'e Jamie Delas Armas.

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Gio

As in Giovanni Van Bronckhurst, formerly known as Gio from Barcelona. Not Geo from the Blue Scholars.



Another one of those FIFA 07 names. In Espanol, the announcers would call him "Gio" and made that sound cool. In English, he was simply van Bronckhurst.

I suggested this to my mom, just the name Giovanni, and from her place on the couch she looked at me and grunted with eyes to the ceiling "Lord, have mercy."

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...RR

Like RR from the popular Filipino show Wowowee.



I'm decidedly chauvinist when it comes to these names, as they are mostly names for a hypothetical male kid. I don't really like thinking about girl names, because it would be a little weird to have a daughter to have the same name as her would-be mom and also because I would hate to over-objectify and speculate on my hypothetical daughter.

But RR is definitely a name I can have fun with.

I see her dancing on the show, and there's a lot of direction-pointing and camera jerkiness on that show, so I guess my kid could turn out that way as well.

Least my kid would came out nice looking, but hopefully known for ingenuity AND beauty.

What Would Happen If I Named My Kid...Fulton

Like Fulton Reed from the Disney Hockey franchise the Mighty Ducks.



Fulton Reed was the badass with the badass slapshot.



They played a lot of Queen in these movies, and so I thought of the song "Another One Bites the Dust" whenever I saw this dude.

Fulton Reed.